Barreling down the blemish free, pebbless, close to polished concrete, I practice the line that I have created over the last six weeks at my neighborhood skate park (in which I have a love hate relationship with based around hurting myself). My new home Portland, OR has treated me pretty well thus far, I think to myself. Scanning my eyes across the park, trying to focus in on the youngsters who flow aimlessly in every direction, waiting for my turn to cross into what seems like enemy territory.  I’m suddenly reminded of a wave in the ocean that breaks violently, causing chaotic motion in multiple directions. Just like this wave, these kids are a force of nature, unable to be tamed by any man. As my eyes scan quickly back and forth my head tries to follow but is only met with a dizziness only felt when spinning in circles for several minutes. I am sure that I must look like a delirious old man to these vibrant young ones so desperate to obtain and maintain their public image. As my brain tries to record the information necessary to keep from hurting myself and keep from running over or killing children, I stop and think for a second how hilarious these adolescents are and how much they piss me off. In a matter of a one-hour visit to my local skate park, I managed to make a list of DON’TS that these kids should take into consideration.  Hopefully this is not a terrible rant much like that of what Andy Rooney would do on the tail end of a 60 minutes episode, bringing himself one more segment closer to a miserable anger filled death.

1. Please, just please, consider others while pushing along on your skateboard, scooter, or bike. The only reason I am paying even the slightest bit of attention to you at all is because there is a risk of me accidentally slaughtering your due to the extra 175 pounds of man that I have grown.  I don’t care about your flippy tech tricks that honestly bore the hell out of me anyways. I am there for my enjoyment.
2. There are four different grom groups filming your styleless tricks. Ban together and make one shitty movie. Imovie for MAC already has the template for it! Plus your self-esteem will enhance from all of the new friends you have made sucking.  Go ahead, send that video to your local shop for sponsorship, I’m sure they’ll get a good laugh at it, especially because I’m in the back ground making a sour face with a thumbs down.
3. Stop drinking Caprice Sun at the park. What is this day care?  You don’t need to juice up with energy drinks like MONSTER, Red Bull, Rockstar, or Jolt cola (ok that’s before your time but still) either. Just drink some water. It is pretty refreshing too! If I see a snack pack, I’m going to slap it out of your hand, and PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF. You don’t know how lucky you are to have a skatepark!
4. This one is for you little bit bigger young ones. Yes, you have your license, but no that does not mean you can do doughnuts in the parking lot. Hey idiot, 1992 called, they want their shitty looking Mustang back! Buttholes drive that car.
5. Bikes! It is called a skate park, just sayin’. No need to continue on this one. Fill in the blank here…

Like I said. I’m enjoying my time at the parks here in Portland. For those of you who think we have a sufficient amount of parks, I would go to say that there are not enough. Most of the time the parks are grossly over inhabited with an extreme age range of people. Another possibility, and the most unsettling answer to my frustrations is that I could be officially getting old.

I thought the skate industry was “financial trouble”?? I guess that’s just the local shops. Seems that sock companies have plenty of money to throw around. And honestly, they make some pretty cool looking socks (I don’t know how that’s possible but I just typed it.) But really, why the fuck does anyone need a pro sock team? I know I skate just fine barefooted even though my feet smell like antique dog dick. Seriously, they smell TERRIBLE. It’s fucking unbearable to be in the room with myself after I take my socks off. I have to immediately wash my feet in order to keep from gagging. So unless these socks can magically make my feet not smell like death then why do I give a fuck. How about some pro model Gold Bond.

This is some shitty news. Monday morning Ross was found dead on his roof, having taken his own life. Ross was an awesome musician (having made a name as one half of the Richmond based band The Gaskets),made some dope sushi, and was an all around good dude. Rest in Paradise homie.

Our friend Igor, who managed The Gaskets for many years, has shared his thoughts on losing Ross here.

Bert’s – part in Cosmic Vomit is a banger. Good innovative street wackiness.

Chrome Ball Incident – You want to read amazing old interviews? Need to kill tons of time? Click it.

Greg Hunt – Filmed some of the most influential skate parts out there. Check just the three on this site and call me if you don’t agree.

Tweaker Zine – Another solid online skate/photo/art/music mag. This time hailing from London. Hey BU, this isn’t hurting is it? I’ll be expecting a pink colored piece of paper after the holiday’s.

Aaron Smith – Photographer out of ATL that has some good stuff going on.

Don’t Fear the Sweeper – Ahhh, Nike. Debacle was dope. This one looks equally as entertaining. Hate the big companies fellas but this one is doing it’s thing. Open yr peepers real big at 2:01. That bank is as crusty as they get.

Robbie Gangemi – My “youtube” link. Yeah complain if you want, but where do you find yr shit? This must have come out in 96/97. Street skating at it’s prime on the East Coast. You see the new cover of The Skateboard Mag photo annual? Grinding up rails is the new shit right? Wrong, check his last trick. Somebody find this dude and get him back on a board.

Thats all I got. No, wait, that’s not it. Go try the “Angry Dolphin” on someone and yr welcome.

Family Bookshop in LA
Needles & Pens in SF
Transfert Skateshop in Paris France

Paper copies went in the mail yesterday so start visiting these awesome shops soon to pick up a copy before they are gone and you feel stupid.

Born Ugly being put to proper use, potty training.
This is probably the coolest fan photo we will ever get.

Sorry about the lack of world wide web linking, I did some grown-ass man stuff and I’m back. This post is going to make up for the amount of links by the content stuffed sites that you will no doubt be entering whilst at work or after you stumble home from a liver workout.

Coastal Carnage – Sick, out of control, pool skating from a contest Converse put on in Cali. If you don’t look at any of these links, at least open this one.  C’mon open it up assclown.

Direction East – Henry Panza is a long time East Coast head that has a shop going. The promo vid looks good.

Adidas – Oh crap, another big shoe company. They just released an online video, Diagonal, with their world team. Pretty banging. Dennis Busenitz has a part that fucking kills.  Keep an eye on Chewy Canon and Lem Villemin, they’re on the come up!

Fecal Face – Get your art on. Don’t be afraid to click on it.

Closure - Dan Wolfe’s vid. It’s older by a couple of years but a classic. You need to re-watch it or get blessed for the first time.

Sk8Mafia – I know you think it’s some fake ass thugs, and you may be right to an extent but the am video is amazing. Wes Kremer destroys it hands down.

Welp, thats it. I know, I know, this is a lot of old shit. But it’s all good and should get you out in streets looking for untapped terrain. If your disappointed in this lagging ass update…eat a bowl o’ dick.