Chatty Cathy’s Monday Mania for July

Big news fellow extreme athletes, the International Olympic Committee has validated what we do by including skateboarding as a competitive event in the next Summer Olympic games to be held in London England! Hooray! Finally we’ll get the respect we deserve when we walk into our local malls’ Sports Authority (do those even still exist?) We here at Born Ugly have fought for many years to earn the right to wear spandex while being judged by a panel of washed-up never-weres. My prediction, teenybop heart-throb Sheckler will take the gold but will then be disqualified after testing positive for Oxytocin, the nasal spray that makes grown men cry like teenage girls who just bled out on their favorite skirt.

In sponsor news, a bunch of people switched teams and a bunch of companies made some money and a bunch didn’t.

There are a shit load of incredible skateboarders out in the world these days and getting noticed takes more than a switch big flip down a twelve set. That’s why Jurni Marchowski’s Youtube shit is blowing up. Dude skates in assless chaps with a live boa constrictor hanging out on his shoulders.. and he rips it! Fucking crazy. Google that shit up before you look stupid for not knowing who the guys is.

We at Born Ugly have been concerned for some time now about the well being of youngsters attending skateboarding demos. Whether it is the danger posed by a violent product toss riot or bad moral examples set by the “professionals” who are supposed to be role models, the demo can be a very adult situation. Recently though, we’ve been hearing reports that things are far worse than anyone could have imagined! Reputable sources have informed us that it is becoming increasingly popular for visiting skate teams to demand sexual favors in exchange for board trickery. And it’s not just the guy riders trying to get it from the ladies. These pros are in fact demanding these favors from male spectators as some sort of exercise in degradation and justification of status! Going rates seem to be in the neighborhood of the following: backlip the park rail- hand whammy, switch frontside flip the park stair set- a ZJ, any invert in the bowl by a street skater- team circle jerk on the youngest mom spectator (in the deep end of course). You’d think traveling pros would be content with finger-blasting the locals’ underage girlfriends, but apparently that is not the case any more. Watch out at the next demo you go to, you might just have to do more than ask for gnarly shredding and free product.

Oh yeah, there was a fire in one of the Vans factories in Korea. Twelve minors died after being trapped in the building. But don’t worry, the new Syndicate models will still be available on schedule!! Whew!

Disclaimer: Everything in Chatty Cathy’s column is completely true, just like everything else you read on the internet. You can confirm it is true simply by Googling to see if someone else has reposted the rumor news. While Chatty Cathy does her best to ensure the accuracy of these claims, the excessive amount of time she spends reading skateboarding forums and eating heroin has a way of confusing her sense of reality.